Parenting is a continual process of stepping into the unknown. Since there isn’t a one size fits all approach, every family is going to approach things a bit different. No matter what happens, the one certainty is uncertainty. So, it’s imperative that we manage our own anxiety about not fully knowing what to expect from our school, our kids, and even ourselves.
A guiding approach for me with parenting and life when I’m feeling overwhelmed is:
When in doubt, keep it simple.
For most teens, if they only do the following three things, I think they’ll be fine.
1. Get a normal sleep schedule/routine. The circadian rhythm for teens is about two hours later than for adults. This means that they’re not going to get tired before 11 or 12 and they still have melatonin in their systems at 7 or 8am. Teen brains are 80% mature. The 20% still developing is the Prefrontal Cortex, the part responsible for reasoning and logic. Sleep is needed for the PFC to mature and grow effectively. Since most teens are sleep deprived, it’s important to find ways to create healthy routines leading up to bedtime. Adding another 30-60 minutes a night of sleep may be as beneficial as therapy or medication for your teen.
2. Get movement/exercise everyday. Our mind and body needs movement to feel good. The experience of trauma can be described as an immobility or feeling trapped. When our body doesn’t move in a meaningful way over time it can send a signal to our brain that there’s something wrong. The opposite happens when we do move. If your teen isn’t sporty, that’s ok, find what works for them. Maybe it’s a two mile walk every day, skateboarding, or even a fitness game on their console.
3. Maintain social connection. Lastly, we require social connection to survive. It starts with family. Prioritize quality family time everyday where you focus on joy and fun that’s free of responsibilities, worries and phones. If you are living with a co-parent and you both are in chronic conflict, know that your child’s mental health depends on the two of you resolving that one way or another. Second, our kids need other adults in their lives. We may need to work harder and be more creative to make this happen. Finally, friends are of course important too. For many teens, gaming is an essential way to connect with friends. It’s important that we appreciate and support this. However they also need to connect with other faces in person.
Sleep. Movement. Connection.
Of course, parenting is far from simple. Some of you are going through hard times with your kiddo. Perhaps they barely come out of their room or they can’t step away from their screens, or they’re belligerent and/or depressed. Perhaps you have a coparent that isn’t supportive. Take care of yourself first. Start with your own stress and anxiety management. All of us will need to expand our list of coping strategies considerably. Stay engaged and keep showing up. You got this.
